For those of you who don’t know, I’m manic depressive, and I deal with severe depression on a nearly daily basis. To tell you the truth, I can’t even remember the last time I was truly happy. Sure, there are times that I ‘feel good’ but very rarely am I happy. It seems that it is my lot in life to fuck up; to make mistakes, stupid decisions, and to always come up short in all my endeavors. Even when something good happens to me, it seems to always come wrapped in bad news and bad luck. I know that many of you will just say “that’s just how life is….just deal with it.” But you don’t understand…it’s not a point of view problem that I have. Things just seem to always go wrong for me. I wonder why. Why does it happen to me? I realize that there are many out there who’s lives are much worse than mine by magnitudes….All I want is a little happiness…. Is that so much to ask for?
I’ve tried to help myself. I’ve tried filling the voids in my live with material possessions, fantasy worlds of sci-fi books, and all manner of other things, but it isn’t the answer. I don’t know what is. Music helps. Friends help. Having finally found out my true identity has helped, but like so many things in my life, it seems to have brought along its own problems too.
First off, there is the problem with my mate. I don’t know who’s reading this, so I can’t say much… all I will say is that someone who used to be a very good friend has completely destroyed all my love and trust for them. They tried to take away the thing that I love most…the thing that I care about above all others. Things will never be the same for me. Needless to say, they very nearly succeeded. The person who did this knows who they are. I hope the roast and rot in the deepest pits of hell for all eternitity.
Second and this is typical of the ironic things that happen to me every day…I recently bought a new car. I got a decent, if not very good job, and the pay isn’t bad. I bought a 2006 mustang GT…something that I've always wanted. After I’ve had the car for a month, I get a call from the State….they have decided to hire me….for a job that I applied for 12 weeks ago *forehead slaps* The job is important to me…after all, I’d be doing what I went to school to do….Forestry. I have a college degree in forest management, and I’d like to have a career in forestry. I’d have to move to accept the job, and I don’t think I can afford the mustang, and rent when I move. Either way, I’m forced to give up something…either my dream job…or my dream car…and the car would be the easiest to part with…but its not that simple…I financed it 100%.....e.g. no down payment. I cant sell it without loosing money…if I cant get back within $1000.00 of the original purchase price, I will still be stuck with a payment that I will have difficulty making for the first few months after I move….still putting me up shit creek. Why does everything have to hurt? Why are the things that I love always taken away from me? Even my dog was stolen by my neighbors. And people wonder why I’m depressed and suicidal…..
This isn’t unusual….things like this happen to me all the time…its just that it all keeps building up and building up….and I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m currently working a night shift shut down where I work now…and that’s wearing me down badly…its only Saturday, and I’ve already worked 60 hours of hard labor…and I have 12 more hours to go before the week is through. I’m not going to get a day off for the next month….by then, I will be dead from exhaustion.
I need friendship, love, happiness…..SOMETHING, damn it! Help me. It’s obvious that I can’t do it on my own.
There is so much more that I need to say…but I don’t have the energy or patience to do it at the moment.
